Have you read How to Win Friends and Influence People? It's a phenomenal book—one of the best out there for self-improvement and developing communication skills. But as brilliant as Dale Carnegie's advice is, there’s one critical aspect he overlooks. In this post, we’ll dive into how you can enhance the principles outlined in the second section: "Six Ways to Make People Like You."
What the Book Focuses On
In How to Win Friends and Influence People, the section "Six Ways to Make People Like You" emphasizes focusing on others. Carnegie’s tips include becoming genuinely interested in others, being a good listener, talking in terms of other people’s interests, and making them feel special.
This approach is undeniably effective. However, it can lead readers to believe that "talking about yourself is bad for making people like you." At least, that’s how I interpreted it. It took me two years to realize this isn’t entirely true. I wish Dale Carnegie had clarified this better.
The Missing Piece
Here’s the thing: If you don’t talk about yourself, how can others connect with you?
When you don’t share anything about yourself, people don’t get to know who you are. They can’t discover shared interests, admire your unique experiences, or connect with your sense of humor. These are the building blocks of meaningful relationships.
If you’ve read Carnegie’s book and follow his principles to the letter, you might find yourself thinking, I just need to listen and ask good questions and talk the topic of what they're interested in even if I'm not. And while listening and asking questions are excellent ways to get to know someone, overdoing it can backfire. Conversations that feel one-sided—like a detective’s interrogation—can make people uncomfortable.
Share About Yourself
To build genuine relationships, don’t just focus on listening or making others feel special. Share about yourself, too. Talk about the extraordinary things you’ve done, your hobbies, or your sense of humor. Give people something to ask you about or relate to.
For example, if you only ask questions without sharing anything in return, the relationship might feel lopsided. Sure, people may like you for being a good listener, but you may not feel equally connected. And let’s face it—that’s not fun.
By sharing about yourself, you let others see who you truly are. I realized this missing piece when I was just focusing on others, following those six principles. I didn’t feel much connection with them and felt like they didn’t know who I really was. So, I tried sharing more about myself.
What happened was conversations became more enjoyable, I enjoyed spending more time with them and I felt a deeper connection. I even received compliments for sharing, as it made it easier for others to find interesting facts about me and connect.
Better Friendships
You might worry that showing your true self or sharing facts about your life will make it harder to make friends. That’s a valid concern. But here’s the upside: the friends you do make will be genuine. Instead of a crowd of random acquaintances, you’ll form connections with people who truly care about you and who you also enjoy being around.
Isn’t that what we all want? Better friendships—ones based on mutual understanding and shared interests.
Final Thoughts
So, if you’ve been following Carnegie’s advice but find something missing, try this: talk about yourself more. Not excessively, but just enough to let others connect with the real you. When you do, you’ll not only make friends but also feel more connected and understood. After all, relationships are a two-way street, and sharing about yourself is how you pave your side of the road.
This makes it easier for them to find common ground with you. They’ll ask questions you’re excited to answer, which makes conversations more engaging and fulfilling for both sides.
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